Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
