hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You ate ashes out of my bong
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