if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
