i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize