I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
