you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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