Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
