Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
