I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
