I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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