i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
