She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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