i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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