both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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