Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
