So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
