I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
