i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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