he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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