I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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