the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
