Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
