a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
