So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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