he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
