My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
