how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
