I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
How naked do you want me to be?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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