WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
