I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
he shaved USA in his pubs
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
