I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
