my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
