We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
