You smell like a Billy Joel song
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize