my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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