i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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