Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize