im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
