We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
