I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
