I think I died a long time ago.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
