the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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