Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
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I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?