so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.