If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
