Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
