The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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