Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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