She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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