im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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