The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
