DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You're like the curious george of whores
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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