If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
