Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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