I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
