I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
