Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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