Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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