Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
