dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
