Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
