just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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